I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
