I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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