I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
