Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
