This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
