her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize