I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
