Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
