i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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