And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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