I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
