i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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