Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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