I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
