ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
