You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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