it was like his penis was on wheels.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
