I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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