Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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