i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You're like the curious george of whores
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
