what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
