My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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