When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize