youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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