He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
