Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Less talking, more tequila
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
