You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize