you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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