Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am in shape. i keep telling you that.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wish they made helmets for livers.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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(775): View more from Nevada

You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.

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(703): View more from Virginia

But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.

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(707): View more from California

I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.

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