I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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