We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
