had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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