You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
