i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
