He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
