you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
