The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize