my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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