Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize