I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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