For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
When did angry sex become our thing?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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