Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
