I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
