i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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