i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
