her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize