There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
