i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
