Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
