I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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