Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
