i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize