Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
