Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
