My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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