We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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