yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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