My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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