The maid of honor just puked.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I have tasted many bathrooms
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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