so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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