i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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