Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
