By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
