i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
