Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
