i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
