i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize