My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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