so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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