I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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