i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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